running conversation. back.
99.06.28 simple things.
99.08.04 faith as escapism.
99.10.06 thought menagerie.
99.11.30 sarah michelle gellar.
00.02.03 like a child.
00.03.27 p.s. you rock my world.
00.04.17 field of flowers.
99.06.27 Sun. 22:05
Where I grew up there were no seasons. The "summer" meant that it was lighter
outside for maybe an hour longer. The "summer" was hot. There was no spring.
There was no autumn. There wasn't really a winter. There was summer and there
wasn't summer. I hear in some places, leaves change colors drastically in
week. That's how you know its autumn. Where I live, there is no autumn. I think
autumn would be my favorite season, but I am not sure.
I don't think I would like spring much, but I guess I never knew winter. I
guess I never really knew summer- it was just hot and there was no school.
I guess it's supposed to rain in spring- I guess I would like that.
It's dangerous to grow up and live where there aren't seasons. I wonder if
seasons are depressing. I get depressed and anxious in May. Maybe May is my
winter. I don't think depressed is the right word. I don't know if there is a right
When we were at Versailles, the kings chambers had hidden doors that blended in
with the rest of the decorated walls. I really liked those doors. They weren't
really hidden I suppose. Antoinette thought her doors were hidden, but her
husband knew better. She tried to hide her doors, but they were just like Versailles.
Everyone always told me to design homes with secret passageways. They
said it would make them feel more safe. I always said that was dumb and
inefficient, but I liked it too. It was one of those fake doors. I just don't know
what I'm protecting myself from.
I have to keep reminding myself that self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit.
That it's a good thing. That you can't have too much self-control. Maybe I need
to change my definition of self-control. Guarding your every move is safe. It's a
good thing. Remaining inactive is safe. Maybe that's not such a good thing.
Being inactive is different than self-control. Inactivity isn't one of the fruits of
the Spirit. I couldn't be much more controlled. I couldn't be much less active.
Movies are different when you watch them with different people. Harold
and Maude is a good movie. Maybe I shouldn't go to so many movies alone.
They say rhetoric and audience are important. If you have to consider rhetoric
and audience than maybe you should consider your subject. Some things aren't
worth the time and effort. Like bad movies. The Matrix was a bad movie but
everyone else liked it. It did have false consciousness, but it also had Keanu
Reeves. Dalton said when you analyze books, you can't read without doing it.
He said that's what movies are for. I need something like movies because it's
too late for movies.
99.06.28 Mon. 08:30
There's a line in "Sugarcube" that goes, "I'll try to be more assure, I'll try to
be more right there / try to be less uptight, try to be more aware." I don't
think trying to be aware works.
There is this beeping sound in the elevator- it's really faint I could hear it. If I
tried too hard to hear it after that, I couldn't. I need to be more assure. Maybe
that's why I don't talk very much. That's not self-control either.
I need to stop thinking passively. No more using "think" or "seem" or "guess." I
need to readjust my values. I know this because I made it a point to watch
Dawson's Creek last night. That is two weeks in a row that I've watched it.
This hotel has Puzzle Bobble. I've never played it, but it's a great game.
Bubble Bobble is a great game too. The M.U. has Puzzle Bobble, but they
call it Bust A Move. I like Puzzle Bobble better. One time Jon found Bubble
Bobble 2. It was expensive and I'm not sure if we ever even found out
what it was. It could be Puzzle Bobble I suppose.
There is a girl on Dawson's Creek that looks like Dana. I really like the way
that Katie Holmes scrunches up her face. I hope that's not the reason why I
watched it again. But actually that's as good of a reason as any. I'll take Katie
Holmes over any WB actress. That sounds bad. I like Katie Holmes better than
any WB actress. But that's not right either. As an actress I like Keri Russell better.
Katie Holmes scrunched up her face in a smile that I like better than anything else
on the WB. There, that might be closed to what I mean.
I owe God a lot of money. I better pay Him back when I get home. God is
better than video games. I used to like video games though. Maniac
Mansion was a great video game too. I never had any of my favorite video
games. Maybe I should get them. They are probably really cheap now. I
should probably pay back God first.
I always said that I would never watch Dawson's Creek. Here, it's just called
Dawson. I can fool myself into that being valid justification for sticking to my
resolution. I just can't watch it at home. I could never live that down. I've made
fun of too many people for watching that show to ever start watching it.
In English, Brandon Nichols once said that Katie Holmes was "dreamy." He never
told me how she scrunched up her face. Maybe if I make fun of Buffy more, I
could watch Dawson's Creek unnoticed. That's not likely to work either.
Most video games aren't healthy. That's what Juan Buñuel said too. Good reflexes
have nothing to do with expanding your mind. Video games have changed.
Dawson's Creek isn't healthy, but I don't know any better because it's in
French. Here, it's just Katie Holmes' smile. If it's different in America, I
don't want to know. I would play Bust A Move at the M.U. if they called it
Puzzle Bobble. I would watch Dawson's Creek if it were in French. That
way, I could pretend the French was expanding my mind.
99.08.03 Tue. 13:35
One phrase that the speaker kept repeating last night was "in the depths of
desparity." He said that's when you hear God's voice and feel His touch. I haven't
had any single despair moment to experience God. What about the depths of
malaise? The depths of apathy? How do you experience God in such an
So much emphasis is put on emotion at these conventions. I know God
gave us emotions for a reason, but I haven't figured out why. The love I
feel for others, the apathy I feel towards everyday life, the enjoyment that I get out
of nothing other than Belle and Sebastian.
Are disillusionment, malaise and apathy even emotions?
Christianity is like trying to put together a four-dimensional puzzle in the dark.
99.08.04 Wed. 09:30
faith as escapism.
How much of my spiritual life is simply escapism? How much of Belle &
Sebastian is escapism? How much of my crushes, obsessions and infatuations
are escapism? I understand why people do drugs and why people drink-
it's an escape. While church and music are physically healthier escapes, are
It has to be healthy, or it would be too dark altogether- too disillusioned.
I'm just afraid that maybe some of my faith is an escape. A purely selfish
escape. While God shouldn't ever be considered an escape, maybe I go to
church to see certain people. Maybe I go to hang out with others. Maybe my
consuming philosophies are an improper use of time.
The speaker last night said everything that I'd been thinking for the past year.
About our Stormy Pinkness- how I'm simply a raggamuffin. How I can not even
compare myself to God's perfection because I can never know what it means.
While I try to maintain a humble attitude towards God, how is it not arrogant that
I'm writing instead of reading and listening? How can any time that I spend
not with God not be arrogance?
I don't think that questioning is wrong, but it's quite possible that I spend too
much time answering these questions than maybe doing what is really
important: or even finding what is really important.
Yesterday in class I came upon something which spoke to me. It was second
Peter 1:5-11. It says: "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to
life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory
and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises,
that throught these you may escape from the corruption that is in the world because
of passion, and become partakers of the divine nature. For this very reason
make every effort to supplement your faith with virture, and virtue with
knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with
steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly
affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these things are yours and
abound, they keep you from being ineffective in the knowledge of our Lord
Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these things is blind and shortsighted and has
forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethen, be the
more zealous to confirm your call and election for if you do this you will never
fall; so there will be richly provided for you an enterance into the eternal kingdom
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
This passage affirms that God is working in me. I have been following this exact
pattern. The only problem is that I want to achieve love now. Love comes after
the changes. I will love after the changes. For now, I am stuck in the middle
struggling to express myself but being too inactive to do so. Today in talking
about compassion, In Greek, the word means a churning of your inards
because you love and pity another. I have felt that many times, but don't
know if I can call it compassion because I didn't act on it. I need to be
more loving, but first must complete the prior cycles. I have excelled in
virtue and, while I still struggle, I do not struggle with as many things. My
passion for knowledge has possibly been almost too overwhelming, as I spend
so much time looking for the right answers. In the last few months, I have
noticed my strong self-control to almost an obsessive state. Now I want to skip
to love. Steadfastness, godliness and brotherly affection must all come first.
Interesting how those areas are where I am lacking. While I can control myself
and search for knowledge, I need to work on my relationships with others.
Maybe steadfastness is the opposite of apathy. If so, I'm in for a long change.
The past year has been very productive. I'm not sure what I owe it to besides
God. While some of the initial attraction to church is for the wrong reasons,
I'm sure it has been beneficial. If not, the change in youth programs
wouldn't have been so important to me.
Second Peter explains how following his ways escapes worldly corruption. My
problem might be in the definitino of escape and escapism. With my music and film
intrests, I escape the disillusionment of the world in a way that still seems in a
higher level than spacing out. I experience them on diffenent levels which often
include a moral or knowledgable contemplation. I think that music can speak in
many different ways and can have important meaning even in the spiritual realm.
Church as an escape from the evils of the world still seems different from escapism.
I think the connotation of escapism is one of theme parks and fantasy novels which
are essentially empty. Art must be more meaningful then this. Not on the same
level as faith, but somewhere in between. They are both, for me, an escape
from disillusionment. A disillusionment of corruption and ignorance. An escape
to simplicity, to acceptance and comfort. Both are an escape with content.
Content which can only be healthy within virtue, knowledge, self-control,
steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection and love.
99.10.06 Wed. 23:34
I got my first smell of autumn today. I was walking into the house and caught
it for a minute. I had to step back and try to catch it again, but it didn't work
that way. I can sense it to in the mornings. It is a bit cooler and it reminds me
of Belle & Sebastian and how, for no explainable reason, last year was the best
It's been almost 2 weeks since I first saw American Beauty. This is the only
film ever in which I feel the urgent need to see again and again. I've been
telling everyone to see it. I got an insight from my dad on Friday when he and
Diana came back from Florida. I told him that he had to see American Beauty
and he asked what it was about. I told him it was about the American dream
and he said, "what, owning a house?" I always knew it, but that explains everything.
This film made my desire to make films all the more stronger. I've been thinking
cinematically in the best ways that I know how, which can't be that much. I wonder
how much of my inactivity may be due to a reaction against my dad's activity.
Minimal dialogue and Egoyan-esque flashbacks. Dominationof small talk
that means different things to different people. My attention to Kansas State.
A car ride also brings about interesting elements. Passing Mesquite High School
can lead to a flashback, the symbolism of construction work and the block factory.
That odd concrete structure that only I notice.
I've been approaching God wrongly once again. I thought I had it figured
out. Steadfastness is all I needed. That was the next link. I said that steadfastness
is what I needed to work on. How arrogant! How many times must I be
confused by what to do before I realize that it's not my job. I can do nothing.
Now I know what to do, but I'm not doing it.
Worse than viewing church as escapism, I sometimes have to wonder if church
satisfies entirely differnet desires. September 19 was one of these times. I
haven't been able to conclude whether or not Blur's "Tender" is sarcastic, but the
line "Tender is the touch of someone that you love too much" satisfies this equation.
I could smell the fragrance for the rest of the day and tried my hardest to commit
it to memory and make every moment last. This happened during prayer.
It blew Dr. Pepper, Felicity, and Sarah McLachlan out of the water. I still
listened to Sarah McLachlan though.
99.11.30 Tue. 23:15
sarah michelle gellar.
I had a dream a week and a half ago about Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was in
a classroom- though not one I had been in before. The desks were split and on two
sides of the room facing eachother. I think the class was english because
Mr. McClellan was the teacher. She was on the opposite side of the room
that I was.
McClellan was reading out the attendance, but there were only a few names on it.
She was the last. She acted somewhat like a "valley girl" in her response. It went
something like, "Yeah I'm here- hello- I'm only on t.v. like every week"- insulting
the teacher in a way as if he should know she was present. He tried to respond
with some sort of social commentary about fame by asking who lost the last
governor election. However, he quickly shut up, as she knew the answer.
After her response, I said something to her about, at least her name being on the
role, as mine was not. That made her laugh and I felt important.
I don't know what happened between then and the next scene I remember,
where some man came in. I think he was some important Hollywood agent
or the like who wanted Sarah Michelle Gellar to act something out. I was somewhat
involved in this, as I was standing by her. Mr. McClellan, still obviously
playfully bitter about Sarah Michelle Gellar spoiling his commentary about the
fleeting nature of fame, introduced the guest as someone, "who spends his
Monday evenings watching Monday Night Football rather then Buffy the Vampire
This time the joke did appear to be on Sarah Michelle Gellar, as she got nervous
and refused to read the part. Here, I understood though, intuition I suppose, that
Sarah Michelle Gellar was shamefully illiterate. She then left and locked herself
in a bathroom. The rest of the dream is very sketchy, but I think it ended with
her hanging herself in the bathroom. At least that's what I heard, I didn't see
anything. By then, the dream was becoming more surreal, and I think that
was the end of it. Everything else seemed entirely realistic, down to Mr.
McClellan's demeanor, regardless of that fact that Buffy the Vampire Slayer
isn't on Monday nights.
00.01.15 Sat. 23:30
I find it silly when people think that commiting suicide is the gravest sin because
you can not ask for forgiveness. How is that at all logical that when God makes
a promise, that he is bound by time? God can not even know time, for the only
think that establishes time is ignorance of the future.
It's like when people are proud of themselves for asking, "Can God make a rock
too heavy for himself to lift?" What a completely illogical thing to say. There is
no such thing as heavy to God because- 1) he isn't bound to physical nature and
2) strength only exists in relation to limitations of which God has none.
Too many people refuse to believe in God for 2 reasons. 1) They can not
accept that not everything is logical and comprehendable. They try to put
God "in a box", rather than simply accepting that they will never completely
understand anything. 2) They always relate God to humans, and try to understand
him through human limitations. Placed between two infinites, everything we
do to understand the world is through comparison. If we can not compare
something to our limitations, we refuse to believe it altogether. God can not
have any of the physical qualities that we do, for our ways of understanding toe
world are through limitation. God doesn't see what we do, for sight is nothing
but an ignorance of what's beyond. Touch is our impossibility to pass through \
physical matter. Sight resides in such a small section of the electro-magnetic
spectrum, it is clear that we are only limited beings. And what about the other
spectrums that we can't even comprehend? The possibilities are endless and we
can never know any better.
At the same time, what we can understand through are limitations should
clearly illustrate that we are here for a reason. The earth revolves in such
a way that the sun is the center. The sun is entirely necessary for our
existance, yet it relates to our senses of understanding. First, though light, as I
have said, is such a small fraction of wavelengths, the sun provides us with light,
without which, or sense of sight wold be useless.
Placed in these infinites, we cannot exist in the extremes yet we are at such a
distance, that we are able to survive as far as warmth is concerned, while any
other distance from the sun would prove impossible.
Keeping in mind our limitations, I do not see how anyone could not believe in a
master plan, and be willing to accept one.
00.02.02 Wed. 00:02
Fasting makes two days seem like one. See how I think! That's why fasting
didn't work. I'm still too busy waiting for Thursday.
I fasted for 48 hours and then quit. I realized that I had no reason for it. I
didn't know what I was looking for. I didn't approach it with the right attitude.
I'm going to wait until I learn more about it before I attempt it again.
I wish I had a pear tree. I was just thinking the other day how I have never even
seen a pear tree. There is something wrong with that. Someday I'm going to have
a garden. I have always wanted one, as silly as it sounds. It will be somewhat
practical, as I will grow spinach and asparagus, but I want it to have a lot of simple
beauty. It will be full of freesias and roses and any other flowers that I see fit. It
will have grass too. There's something inherently beautiful about long grass.
Gardening is a step towards simplicity. The simple concept of growth is so
entirely amazing in itself, it makes one small, comfined area completely universal
and magical. I think gardening can be a form of meditation and worship:
"consider the lilies of the field." What a beautifully complex world that is most
appreciated from a simple perspective.
Someday I'm going to grow a pear tree. I don't know if I can do it here, but
someday, somewhere I am going to grow a pear tree.
00.02.03 Thu. 00:13
like a child.
It's impossible to be childlike. Entirely childlike. Children are hypnotized by the
world. I want to reject the world and be childlike, but it's impossible to do both.
You have to know the world to be able to reject it. There is a certain ignorance
that comes with being childlike that it's too late to return to. I think it's good to not
be ignorant, for if you are, its inevitable that it will be revealed again. I want to
somehow remain knowledgeable and childlike. I'm not sure how.
Today Grandpa told me about when he was a child growing up on the farm. He
said every year they couldn't wait until wild strawberries grew in the fields. That
is the simplicity that I want to return to. Not so much return because I never
knew it. I just wish the world was simple as it once was. In the modern world,
we grow up to fast. I have fond memories about childhood, but they are
incredibly vague and, quite possibly fabricated.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the idea of marriage is a result of men wanting
to protect women like a daughter. Everyone always talks about how men want
sons. I guess it used to be important to carry on tradition or whatnot, but
that makes no sense to me. There is nothing in a name. I want a daughter.
That's almost my view of marriage. An entirely non-sexual, protecting
relationship. I'm drawn to innocence. When I think about _, I wish so much
for her to be pure and innocent of the ways of the world. There's a certain
magic to that. That might be what I love so much about her. Protective isn't
the right word at all. It has a lot of negative connotation. I have just come
to despise the ways of the world so much. It's entirely God's work because
I have not always been like this, and I haven't intentionally tried to feel this way.
There is no way for me to express these feelings and ideas. I want to be seen
as a sensitive person, but I'm also afraid to do so. Possibly because I don't
know how to do so. There may be something in my inability to express it that
makes it divine.
00.03.27 Mon. 01:29
p.s. you rock my world.
Such simple songwriting can stir up emotions like nothing else. Iíve recently
rediscovered the Eels and have determined that ďP.S. You Rock My WorldĒ
should be my theme song. Iíve heard people talk about how they have theme songs
for their lives. I never quite knew how to relate. Now I do.
I like the song in the same way that I like American Beauty. Itís simultaneously
profound and common sense. It is both depressing, and hopeful. It is utterly
sincere and entirely parallelism.
I am slowly emerging from a glaze of disillusionment. My eyes need to readjust.
This song is sort of a constant reminder of logicality. This song isnít saying
anything new, but it still nearly brings me to tears every time I listen to it.
I need to learn how to live. No song can teach me how.
Almost four years ago, I made this resolution to get up early every morning
in the summer and to go the park and read and feed the ducks. I never did it
once. Thereís some affliction inside of me that rejects simplicity and a child-like
spirit. I hate that about myself. I never act on anything. Thereís a part of me
that still wants to go feed the ducks every morning. But something is continually
holding me back.
I never go on walks anymore. I am beginning to think that I suppress my emotions
more than I thought I did. Otherwise, I canít explain my frenzied emotional state
during spring break. It affected me to the point where I was physically
ill at ease, yet with no rationale besides boredom. I must be unconsciously
bottling it up. I should start going on more walks.
00.04.03 Mon. 15:37
More often than not, I feel like I'm not made for this world. I'm always striving
for one step further. The most logical explanation I can think of is, I simply am
not made for this world. C.S. Lewis wrote that, as humans, we feel desires within
us that simply can not be fulfilled on earth. That's his argument for heaven. I
daily find myself in situations where my heart feels like it's going to cave in.
It usually last only a second, not near as long as I wish is would. If all desire
exists for a reason, we can only be hopeful that they will be fulfilled in the
future. The closest I can hope for heaven to be is a constant of two feelings I felt
this past week. On Thursday, I downloaded a new Belle & Sebastian song, "Winter Wooskie."
I was so intensely excited while listening to it for the first time. That intensity
never lasts, as much as I may like the song.
The second occasion took place when I went to the mall last week to pick up tax forms.
Despite the irony of this happening while I was getting tax forms, I saw a little
boy with his grandmother looking in the window of the Disney store. The boy was
watching the magic that was just inside the window.
The magic that has become so routine to me. His face lit up and he let out this utterly
joyous outburst of laughter. Something leaped inside of me. I try to commit those
moments to memory as best I can because they are so rare and important. On earth,
my joy is a nostalgia. I went and found my old favorite stuffed animal this weekend.
It's an old cocker spaniel named Millie. As silly as it sounds, it brings back a memory
of being like a child, as vague as those memories are, that I have somehow lost.
The excitment that only music brings parallels these feelings. I can only assume
that heaven will be a perpetual feeling of these innocent joys.
00.04.07 Fri. 00:55
Last year in an architecture lecture, a guest lecturer did this entire hour
on architecture and memory. She wanted to make this wall completely out of
till from a nearby stream over the course of a year, just so everyone in the
community that encountered that space would remember the progression of place.
She thouroghly discussed this theory and everyone in class thought she was
insane. Something inside of me completely understood what she was talking
After a recent discussion, I realized that I associate all of my favorite
albums with place and time. The question that then came up is, is it because of
place that these became my favorite albums?
For example, my four favorite albums of the past decade are Sixpence None The
Richer Sixpence None The Richer, Yo La Tengo I Can Hear The Heart Beating
As One, Belle and Sebastian If You're Feeling Sinister and Sarah McLachlan
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.
The Sixpence CD has obvious sentimental value, but became one of my elite favorites
after both Thanksgiving in Prescott and on the Casas trip to El Paso. Neither
Thanksgiving nor the Casas trip have any significant value that this album triggers.
It only gives meaning to the absense that my heart felt, and the longing, hope
and discourage with myself I felt while listening to it.
No other album could have meant that. Few more can now, yet not to that extent.
I bought the Yo La Tengo album right before the trip to Laughlin last May. In a
sense, I saved it for the trip. Everytime I listen to it, I am brought back
to the empty highway and the beautiful desert. The Laughlin trip was nothing to
talk about, but this album is probably the best thing that happened to me in
Nevada. I'll never forget looking at the desert with the wind in my face while
the sun was right above it. I have always felt a certain malaise towards
afternoons, but never has such barren land been so beautiful. "Sugarcube"
was so meaningful.
Alas, Belle and Sebastian. I listened to this CD for the first time in November,
driving up to the cold weather in Prescott. It later came to mean so much more
(via "The Stars of Track and Field" and "Like Dylan in the Movies") but the
initial reaction is unforgettable, if not prominent. I nearly
always associate Fumbling Towards Ecstasy with 2 things. One, nearly
every girl I have liked; and two, airplane trips. I honestly don't remember how
many times I've wanted to steal her words, or how many times I've honestly
listened to them on a plane. In both cases, I only remember one specifically,
but for some reason am sure there are more. After the
cruise, we were flying back at night- we got upgraded to first class, and I
remember sitting by this Jewish man who special ordered a kosher meal, but
refused it. I didn't eat anything because we were bumped onto the plane at
the last minute and there was no way for me to get a vegetarian meal.
I was tired and hungry and didn't care. I just listened to Fumbling
Towards Ecstasy until my batteries died. I have never loved the album so
much as then.
If there is anything I associate with that album, it is solitude and darkness.
Whether it was listening to the album for the first time Freshman year while
my family was mysteriously not home, or if it was listening to "Ice" when I really
meant to tape "Hold On" in the darkness on the way up to Prescott in the winter,
this album has always been more than an album. I've recently
come to the conclusion that judging art is completely subjective. While there
is indeed (usually an obvious) difference between good and bad, judging better
from good is a matter of personal experience. Is Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
truly the best album of the decade? There is no doubt in my mind, it is decidedly
so. Can I ever conclude that anyone else should think so also? Not only can I
not expect that, it is not possible. The album is an entirely different one
for them. My Fumbling Towards Ecstasy is unmatched. It exists only
It is not for the time or place that these albums are pure magic, it is for what
the places are not. The places aren't places of great times or meaning, but
of absense. It isn't travel that makes these meaningful, it is the album that
magnifies the absense of, and draws me closer to where I want to be.
While art can transcend time, it is only valuale within in. If I bought a
Nick Drake CD today, it simply could not touch Belle and Sebastian because it
has no place in time for me. I have subconsiously determined that its time
is up. As amazing as every song might be, rather compositionally or emotionally,
it can not match what I know. It would be foreign. I need to
both know the time and make the time. I must live through its time. I need to
patiently observe each work collecting the till from the stream and creating its
own wall. A wall which has no practical purpose. A wall with no physical
significance. A wall of monumental importance only because it encompasses a
time completely: an atmosphere, a season, a weather, a running conversation,
a love. All of which have no historical meaning. No, art does not transcend time,
it is most powerful within it.
00.04.17 Mon. 15:26
field of flowers.
I was looking at a calendar the other day. It was one of those free calendars
from a realtor, which contains those stereotypical picturesque scenes.
April's picture was out of the ordinary. It was a hillside, not unlike any
hillside, with small red flowers that were nothing to speak of. It was a
typical scene. It was out of the ordinary because it was so ordinary.
I initially thought that it was stupid to put a picture like that in a calendar.
I'm so used to the extraordinary waterfalls, canyons, and wildlife, that this
hillside almost bored me. Then I realized that I was misguided. It was a
simple hillside, and it was beautiful. I don't
know when the change occurred in me, for the last year and a half have been
very meaningful, yet gone by fast. But I'm changing. I'm being changed.
There is an electricity in the air lately that is effecting me. It's becoming
harder to hold backÖ at the same time it doesn't make sense, but seems so
perfectÖ so hopefulÖ
My love is like the mustard seed. It didn't start out as anything more than
anything else ever starts, but it came to permeate my entire being. As much
as I wished I could nurture it, it really had nothing to do with me. I don't
know where the growth came from.
I have never believed much in the metaphor of spring. The whole rebirth,
love-is-in-the-air, never made much sense to me. In fact, my favorite
time of year was always autumn. But spring is becoming beautiful. In fact,
someone even knows who I love. That's a big step. I'm afraid that whenever
I take a step, I'll want to follow it with another. It almost feels like I'm
being pushedÖ I suppose that's another reason why I'm hopeful. Maybe there is
a reason. Regardless, I've started moving, ever so slowly.
00.04.27 Thu. 12:36
On the debut Belle & Sebastian album, there is a picture of a woman pretending
to breast-feed a stuffed tiger doll. I was initially embarassed by that image,
I think that is something that has been implanted in me by society. The more
I thought about that picture, even if it wasn't intended by the artist,
it represents beauty, entirely.
It contains the perfect combination of what I am drawn to: the amazing
juxtaposition of motherhood and the child-like spirit. I am not sure how it
comes about, but I can somehow sense a gentle spirit.
I don't really know why I like the people I do, but I know I am inately
drawn to girls who would be both the most amazing mother, and have the same
childlike spirit within themselves.
It's strange, yet it seems to exist for a reason, because every time, the more
I get to know them, the more sense it makes. It's not like I'm drawn to some
superficial quality, and then I am later disillusioned by who they really are.
It's like I somehow know how they really are from the start. And that's
why I like them.
Maybe that's what is so confusing. I don't develop crushes randomly, so it
seems there should be a purpose. But then there's fear.
00.05.01 Mon. 14:22
There was this episode of Dawsonís Creek in which Dawson was dealing with the
fact that his parents were getting divorced. He was confiding in this girl
who was a new friend, whose parents were also divorced. He said, basically,
that our parents are our primary examples of love. When our parents relationship
doesnít make it, it makes us (a product of our parentsí love) look like a
I have never felt like a failure. Despite every time I am disgusted with myself,
frustrated with my attitude, and as unsure and as unconfident as I have been
with myself, I have never felt like a failure. I guess I have never based my
worth on my parents. And I guess that, as far as the love of parents goes, I
have never known quite what itís supposed to be.
I have never felt like a failure, but Dawsonís little monologue did make me
think about something similarly related. Our parents are supposed to be our
primary examples of love. So what happens when they really arenít? How are
we to ever know what love is supposed to be? Can we re-learn? Can we somehow
be taught another way?
I think the closest human equivalent to Godís love is the love of parents.
There is some sort of third party that exists between a husband and a wife that
can not operate independently. It is hard to really describe, especially
since I have never known it, or really witnessed it, but there is something
there. It doesnít abide in the man or the woman, but only in the teaming of
them. That is why marriage and family are so important. I donít think that
divorce is wrong in the sense that it legally separates a couple, divorce is
wrong because it divides this divine relationship. The legal divorce I donít
believe is necessarily wrong because, at least as I have seen, while a couple
can be ďlegallyĒ married, there was no divine relationship to begin with.
I love my parents. My mom is one of the most amazing people I have ever known,
if not the most amazing. I donít know where I could possibly be without her.
She has been the most loving person that I have ever been in contact with, and
there is no doubt that she would do anything for me and my sister. However,
there is only so much that one person can do.
I probably get along with my dad more now that I have ever gotten along with
him. We are very amiable toward each other, and get along quite well.
However, he has never been a father. While my parents were together, we didnít
get along at all. He probably tried to be a father, at least in his mind, but
I never saw it. And I know that he never knew what it was like to have a
So I see myself in the same situation as my dad. He grew up without a real
father, and I know how he turned out. He is always angry. He is never happy.
And he always wants to please everyone except his family. I donít know if
he takes them for granted, or what. I could never do that.
On one hand, I am nothing like my dad. Our personalities are polar opposites,
and wellÖ everything about us is basically polar opposite. But we still grew
up the same way. Neither of us experienced a real family. I have seen,
directly, the way that someone without this relationship grows and tries to
establish his own. I am a product of that. He failed miserably. I guess our
main difference is that I had a loving mom.
So I am scared. I am so willing to love, but I am afraid I donít know how.
My dad didnít experience love as a child, and when he had a family he did all
the wrong things. I grew up without that idea of family love, and how am
I to learn it now? I know that I can learn from God, but is it just something
that seeps inside of me and begins to permeate my being? I have seen people
overcome this. I have seen people in good relationships who didnít grow up with
them. How did they know what to do? It surely isnít intuitive, right?
Then family wouldnít be so importantÖ
I want someone to lead by example. As devoted as I am to God, his love is
still more abstract. His love is so amazing, that I canít even begin to describe
it, but as far as how I am supposed to love, I have had no physical example.
This must be the primary source of my inactivity. I should have faith that
I will know what to do. I know I can be an amazing father. I just wish I had
an example. A human example. I think I am so afraid that I wonít know how
to love, that I donít want to risk destroying anything. I suppose I have to
walk by faith on this one. It is so easy to just follow somebodyís lead, but
I donít really have a guide. I feel like I am wandering about blindly
sometimes. I am forced to turn to God. I suppose that, in the long run, this
will be infinitely better, but its hard for now. Thatís why itís so hard to
tell people how I feel. Even the most amazing people. This is probably also
why I am shy. Especially around the most amazing people.
I know I am growing. I am opening up. I know that I am changing. Especially
right now. I suppose thatís the reason why I am so hopeful. If I am growing,
then itís all Godís work. And if it is Godís work, then there must be a plan.
And I get glimpses of what I think the plan is, and thatís why I am hopeful.
Even if I am entirely wrong. I hope I am not wrong.